Study 98 investigated a common complaint: that a pen, when dropped, rolls away from the person who dropped it. We assembled nine pens and a desk and set out to find out why.
Findings
All nine pens rolled away from their owner. Seven rolled beneath furniture. Two rolled onto the cat, who treated them as gifts. We conclude that a pen has a clear opinion of the person holding it, and we have not found a way to change that opinion.
Theories Considered
- The desk is tilted. It is not.
- The pen is round. It is, and this was noted.
- The pen dislikes you. This hypothesis remains open.
Conclusion
Method
Pens were selected at random from the Laboratory stationery cupboard. Each was placed at the head of a wooden slope, released, and tracked by a camera and a very focused cat. The cat tracked the pens by following them. The camera tracked the cat.
Data
Rolling distance averaged 61 centimetres, with a standard deviation of 12. The outlier, a pen of unusual width, rolled for 3 metres and vanished beneath a filing cabinet. We recorded it as a successful escape.
Practical Advice
If you must keep a pen on a desk, place it in a cup. If you wish to keep it in a cup, tie the cup. If you wish to keep the cup, have a stern word with the cat.
Further Study
Study 99 will examine why a pencil, when dropped, rolls less but sounds smug. The Laboratory has already budgeted two biscuits for the result.
Reviewer Comment
A reviewer asked whether the pens might simply be shy. The Laboratory has added shyness to the list of variables, between humidity and mood.
A pen, once dropped, becomes a small independent creature with its own travel plans. The Laboratory recommends tying it to the desk, or replacing it with a pencil, which is flatter and less proud.