Marmalade Quill Shelf Institute

Tag: table edge

  • A Study Of Why Pens Roll Away From You

    A Study Of Why Pens Roll Away From You

    Study 98 investigated a common complaint: that a pen, when dropped, rolls away from the person who dropped it. We assembled nine pens and a desk and set out to find out why.

    Findings

    All nine pens rolled away from their owner. Seven rolled beneath furniture. Two rolled onto the cat, who treated them as gifts. We conclude that a pen has a clear opinion of the person holding it, and we have not found a way to change that opinion.

    Theories Considered

    • The desk is tilted. It is not.
    • The pen is round. It is, and this was noted.
    • The pen dislikes you. This hypothesis remains open.

    Conclusion

    Method

    Pens were selected at random from the Laboratory stationery cupboard. Each was placed at the head of a wooden slope, released, and tracked by a camera and a very focused cat. The cat tracked the pens by following them. The camera tracked the cat.

    Data

    Rolling distance averaged 61 centimetres, with a standard deviation of 12. The outlier, a pen of unusual width, rolled for 3 metres and vanished beneath a filing cabinet. We recorded it as a successful escape.

    Practical Advice

    If you must keep a pen on a desk, place it in a cup. If you wish to keep it in a cup, tie the cup. If you wish to keep the cup, have a stern word with the cat.

    Further Study

    Study 99 will examine why a pencil, when dropped, rolls less but sounds smug. The Laboratory has already budgeted two biscuits for the result.

    Reviewer Comment

    A reviewer asked whether the pens might simply be shy. The Laboratory has added shyness to the list of variables, between humidity and mood.

    A pen, once dropped, becomes a small independent creature with its own travel plans. The Laboratory recommends tying it to the desk, or replacing it with a pencil, which is flatter and less proud.

  • Laboratory Safety Notice: The Floor Is Not Level

    Laboratory Safety Notice: The Floor Is Not Level

    All staff are reminded that the floor of the Laboratory is not perfectly level. It slopes gently towards the radiator at an angle of roughly one degree.

    This is the reason that every dropped item, whether pen, marble or piece of kibble, eventually ends up beneath the radiator. We previously suspected a conspiracy. We now suspect a floor.

    Staff Instructions

    • Do not place a marble on the floor and walk away.
    • Do not chase a marble that has rolled away.
    • If you must chase a marble, do so with dignity.

    Recovery Fees

    Items recovered from beneath the radiator are returned to their owners at a small fee, payable in treats. Items not claimed in thirty days become property of the Laboratory and are used in Study 120.

    Incident Log

    Last month a marble rolled the full length of the Laboratory without stopping and came to rest against the Professor’s paw. She has described this as the finest moment of her career. We have since measured the slope using a spirit level, which promptly rolled away.

    Frequently Reported Items Beneath The Radiator

    • Eleven pens, nine of which are green
    • A single sock of unknown origin
    • A small gold ring, believed to be a prize
    • Three bottle tops, one of which is a very good bottle top
    • A mouse, now retired

    Plans For Repair

    The Laboratory has requested a repair from the Facilities Office, which is also a cat. We expect a response within the year, if the cat wakes up.

    Additional Notice

    Anyone found sliding along the floor on purpose will be recorded as a research subject. Anyone found enjoying it will be recorded twice.

    Thank you for your care. The Laboratory will repaint the floor in due course, but the tilt will remain, as it is now part of our heritage.

  • Frequently Asked Questions About Our Height Standard

    Frequently Asked Questions About Our Height Standard

    We receive many questions about the Laboratory’s official drop height. Here are the ones we find we can answer.

    Why 72 centimetres?

    The standard height was set in the Laboratory’s founding year by Professor Quill, who sat on a stool, extended one paw, and said “about there”. Gravel then measured the distance with a ruler and found it to be 72. Nothing about the figure is scientific. It is, however, consistent, which is more than we can say for the stool.

    What happens at 73?

    Nothing, according to the data. At 73 centimetres the object falls in exactly the same way, with the same sound. We maintain the standard because a standard is a thing that cannot be argued with, and arguing is the Laboratory’s second favourite activity.

    Can we test other heights?

    Yes, on request. Our Variable Height Programme offers heights from a low 20 centimetres up to a dizzying 140, which requires a ladder and a lot of paperwork. Please note that above 100 centimetres the cat must sign a waiver, which is a paw print on a napkin.

    Does the object matter?

    The object matters greatly. A pen falls with a clean little tick. A glass falls with a bright splash. A cushion falls with a sigh and is not covered by our standard. We therefore classify objects by mood.

    Is it cruel to the objects?

    The Laboratory takes the welfare of every object seriously. Objects are provided with a soft landing mat when requested, and are never subjected to more than three drops in a day. Objects who wish to lodge a complaint may do so by remaining on the floor.

    Can I visit?

    Public tours run on Wednesday mornings. Please do not bring unlabelled glassware. It will be tested.

    Do you accept donations?

    Why Not 70 Or 75?

    Several colleagues have suggested rounder numbers. The Professor replied that a round number is the work of a lazy mind, and that 72 is a number with character. It is a dozen, times six. It is also, as Gravel points out, the exact height of the lab kettle, which makes it easy to remember and quick to boil.

    How We Verify The Height

    Each morning a technician lies on the bench and holds a ruler against the floor. A second technician lies on the floor and holds a ruler against the bench. The two rulers are compared and disagree by about four millimetres. This is recorded as measurement error and then, quietly, as a character flaw.

    Does Height Affect The Cat?

    A small number of cats become more serious at greater heights. At 72 centimetres a cat is relaxed. At 100 she becomes thoughtful. At 140 she goes very still and says nothing, which our team interprets as respect or as a plan.

    Can I Choose My Own Height?

    You may. The Laboratory will happily test your preferred height, though we charge a modest fee for the privilege and an additional fee for the ladder. We will not test heights measured in cats, since the cats object.

    Where Can I Read More?

    Our height standard is documented in the Laboratory Handbook, a leaflet of two pages, one of which is a drawing of a stool. A copy is available at reception, if the receptionist has not sat on it.

    A Final Word

    Please do not send us questions about height in imperial units. The Laboratory does not recognise inches, as no cat has ever been able to find one. Our measuring staff also object to the word foot, on the grounds that it is rude.

    We do. Our most useful gifts are small ceramic items, cheap mugs, and any pen that has not been missed. Please wrap them carefully. Then please tell no one.