Marmalade Quill Shelf Institute

Category: Laboratory Life

  • Spotlight: Our Technician, Gravel, On Cleaning Up After Science

    Spotlight: Our Technician, Gravel, On Cleaning Up After Science

    Gravel has been the Laboratory’s Senior Technician for six years, which is forty two in lab years. We spoke to him on a break between sweeps.

    “People think the science is the hard part,” he said. “It is not. The science is a cat pushing a glass. The hard part is the glass afterwards.”

    A Typical Day

    Gravel arrives at 7 AM, checks the benches, and removes anything fragile. By 7:15 the Professor has returned it. By 7:30 it is on the floor. Gravel then sweeps, and records the fall, and sweeps again. He says he finds it meditative.

    On Respect

    Asked whether he felt appreciated, Gravel replied that he had a small plaque in the cupboard that said World’s Okayest Technician. He considers it his proudest possession and often looks at it, sighing.

    A Day With Gravel

    Gravel’s tools are few. He carries a small brush, a pan, a tin of treats and a notebook in which he has written the word Sigh sixty three times. When asked whether he enjoys the work, he said, after a long pause, that the quiet moments were nice.

    What He Would Change

    If given a wish, Gravel would ask for a laboratory made entirely of carpet. When it was pointed out that the experiments would then be pointless, he agreed, and asked for carpet anyway.

    Closing Thoughts

    Gravel asked us to say that he is not available for further interviews, but is open to snacks. He also asked us to say that the plaque is real, though he refused to let us photograph it, in case it fell.

    Gravel’s Advice To Young Technicians

    Always carry a brush. Never trust a shelf. And if a cat looks at you while holding a paw above a glass, step aside, breathe slowly and begin sweeping early.

    We salute Gravel. Without him, the Laboratory would be knee deep in shards, and the Professor would be on a stool, laughing.

  • Laboratory Safety Notice: The Floor Is Not Level

    Laboratory Safety Notice: The Floor Is Not Level

    All staff are reminded that the floor of the Laboratory is not perfectly level. It slopes gently towards the radiator at an angle of roughly one degree.

    This is the reason that every dropped item, whether pen, marble or piece of kibble, eventually ends up beneath the radiator. We previously suspected a conspiracy. We now suspect a floor.

    Staff Instructions

    • Do not place a marble on the floor and walk away.
    • Do not chase a marble that has rolled away.
    • If you must chase a marble, do so with dignity.

    Recovery Fees

    Items recovered from beneath the radiator are returned to their owners at a small fee, payable in treats. Items not claimed in thirty days become property of the Laboratory and are used in Study 120.

    Incident Log

    Last month a marble rolled the full length of the Laboratory without stopping and came to rest against the Professor’s paw. She has described this as the finest moment of her career. We have since measured the slope using a spirit level, which promptly rolled away.

    Frequently Reported Items Beneath The Radiator

    • Eleven pens, nine of which are green
    • A single sock of unknown origin
    • A small gold ring, believed to be a prize
    • Three bottle tops, one of which is a very good bottle top
    • A mouse, now retired

    Plans For Repair

    The Laboratory has requested a repair from the Facilities Office, which is also a cat. We expect a response within the year, if the cat wakes up.

    Additional Notice

    Anyone found sliding along the floor on purpose will be recorded as a research subject. Anyone found enjoying it will be recorded twice.

    Thank you for your care. The Laboratory will repaint the floor in due course, but the tilt will remain, as it is now part of our heritage.

  • Frequently Asked Questions About Our Height Standard

    Frequently Asked Questions About Our Height Standard

    We receive many questions about the Laboratory’s official drop height. Here are the ones we find we can answer.

    Why 72 centimetres?

    The standard height was set in the Laboratory’s founding year by Professor Quill, who sat on a stool, extended one paw, and said “about there”. Gravel then measured the distance with a ruler and found it to be 72. Nothing about the figure is scientific. It is, however, consistent, which is more than we can say for the stool.

    What happens at 73?

    Nothing, according to the data. At 73 centimetres the object falls in exactly the same way, with the same sound. We maintain the standard because a standard is a thing that cannot be argued with, and arguing is the Laboratory’s second favourite activity.

    Can we test other heights?

    Yes, on request. Our Variable Height Programme offers heights from a low 20 centimetres up to a dizzying 140, which requires a ladder and a lot of paperwork. Please note that above 100 centimetres the cat must sign a waiver, which is a paw print on a napkin.

    Does the object matter?

    The object matters greatly. A pen falls with a clean little tick. A glass falls with a bright splash. A cushion falls with a sigh and is not covered by our standard. We therefore classify objects by mood.

    Is it cruel to the objects?

    The Laboratory takes the welfare of every object seriously. Objects are provided with a soft landing mat when requested, and are never subjected to more than three drops in a day. Objects who wish to lodge a complaint may do so by remaining on the floor.

    Can I visit?

    Public tours run on Wednesday mornings. Please do not bring unlabelled glassware. It will be tested.

    Do you accept donations?

    Why Not 70 Or 75?

    Several colleagues have suggested rounder numbers. The Professor replied that a round number is the work of a lazy mind, and that 72 is a number with character. It is a dozen, times six. It is also, as Gravel points out, the exact height of the lab kettle, which makes it easy to remember and quick to boil.

    How We Verify The Height

    Each morning a technician lies on the bench and holds a ruler against the floor. A second technician lies on the floor and holds a ruler against the bench. The two rulers are compared and disagree by about four millimetres. This is recorded as measurement error and then, quietly, as a character flaw.

    Does Height Affect The Cat?

    A small number of cats become more serious at greater heights. At 72 centimetres a cat is relaxed. At 100 she becomes thoughtful. At 140 she goes very still and says nothing, which our team interprets as respect or as a plan.

    Can I Choose My Own Height?

    You may. The Laboratory will happily test your preferred height, though we charge a modest fee for the privilege and an additional fee for the ladder. We will not test heights measured in cats, since the cats object.

    Where Can I Read More?

    Our height standard is documented in the Laboratory Handbook, a leaflet of two pages, one of which is a drawing of a stool. A copy is available at reception, if the receptionist has not sat on it.

    A Final Word

    Please do not send us questions about height in imperial units. The Laboratory does not recognise inches, as no cat has ever been able to find one. Our measuring staff also object to the word foot, on the grounds that it is rude.

    We do. Our most useful gifts are small ceramic items, cheap mugs, and any pen that has not been missed. Please wrap them carefully. Then please tell no one.