Marmalade Quill Shelf Institute

Author: Author

  • An Open Letter To Everyone Who Says It Was Just The Wind

    An Open Letter To Everyone Who Says It Was Just The Wind

    We write to address a persistent claim: that a fallen object was moved by the wind.

    We have examined this claim in depth. We have measured the wind. We have measured the cat. We find that the cat is stronger.

    Evidence Against The Wind

    • The wind has never been seen holding a paw out.
    • The wind does not look at you afterwards.
    • The wind does not purr.

    Evidence For The Cat

    The cat was present. The cat was calm. The cat was already looking at the object when the window was still closed. We consider this decisive.

    Methodology

    We placed a lightweight cup on a table by an open window and recorded wind speed throughout the day. The wind peaked at midday, at which point nothing happened. At 12:03 a cat entered the room and the cup fell. The Laboratory finds this statistically persuasive.

    A Note On Curtains

    We acknowledge that curtains sometimes move in the wind. But a curtain that moves is not a curtain that pushes. A curtain, we remind readers, is merely a flag of surrender.

    Reply From The Wind

    No reply has been received. We take this as an admission.

    Appendix A

    The Laboratory has also received a letter from a rival group, who claim that draughts explain 12 percent of falls. We have replied that the remaining 88 percent are explained by the cat, and that the 12 percent were probably the cat as well, in a hurry.

    Appendix B

    For completeness we have measured the speed of the wind against the speed of a cat who has just seen a bird. The cat won by a wide margin and then lost interest.

    Conclusion

    We rest our case on the table, gently, near the edge.

    We invite the wind to submit a rebuttal. It may leave it on a table edge.

  • Spotlight: Our Technician, Gravel, On Cleaning Up After Science

    Spotlight: Our Technician, Gravel, On Cleaning Up After Science

    Gravel has been the Laboratory’s Senior Technician for six years, which is forty two in lab years. We spoke to him on a break between sweeps.

    “People think the science is the hard part,” he said. “It is not. The science is a cat pushing a glass. The hard part is the glass afterwards.”

    A Typical Day

    Gravel arrives at 7 AM, checks the benches, and removes anything fragile. By 7:15 the Professor has returned it. By 7:30 it is on the floor. Gravel then sweeps, and records the fall, and sweeps again. He says he finds it meditative.

    On Respect

    Asked whether he felt appreciated, Gravel replied that he had a small plaque in the cupboard that said World’s Okayest Technician. He considers it his proudest possession and often looks at it, sighing.

    A Day With Gravel

    Gravel’s tools are few. He carries a small brush, a pan, a tin of treats and a notebook in which he has written the word Sigh sixty three times. When asked whether he enjoys the work, he said, after a long pause, that the quiet moments were nice.

    What He Would Change

    If given a wish, Gravel would ask for a laboratory made entirely of carpet. When it was pointed out that the experiments would then be pointless, he agreed, and asked for carpet anyway.

    Closing Thoughts

    Gravel asked us to say that he is not available for further interviews, but is open to snacks. He also asked us to say that the plaque is real, though he refused to let us photograph it, in case it fell.

    Gravel’s Advice To Young Technicians

    Always carry a brush. Never trust a shelf. And if a cat looks at you while holding a paw above a glass, step aside, breathe slowly and begin sweeping early.

    We salute Gravel. Without him, the Laboratory would be knee deep in shards, and the Professor would be on a stool, laughing.

  • Statistical Appendix: How We Measured Disappointment

    Statistical Appendix: How We Measured Disappointment

    The Laboratory developed the Disappointment Index to measure how let down a cat appears when an object does not fall as expected. It uses four categories.

    • Zero: the object fell. The cat was pleased.
    • One: the object fell, but silently. The cat was mildly cross.
    • Two: the object did not fall. The cat looked at the object for a long time.
    • Three: the object did not fall, and the human put it back. The cat looked at the human for much longer.

    Validation

    The Index has been validated against the rate of tail twitching, which correlates strongly with disappointment and also with lunch. We have controlled for lunch by timing the trials before breakfast, which has made everybody sad.

    Use In Industry

    Several manufacturers of mugs have asked to license the Index. We have declined, since it is not for sale, and since they could not be trusted to hold a cat steady.

    Limitations Of The Index

    The Index has limits. Cats are complex creatures, and a single twitch may reflect disappointment, joy or an itch. In the early version of the Index, a cat scratching an ear was recorded as four on the scale, which caused unnecessary worry.

    Future Work

    We plan a Version 2 of the Index that includes a fifth category, Resignation, to be applied to cats who have given up on the whole thing and gone to sleep. A sixth category, Smugness, is already in draft.

    Case Example

    In one trial, a cat named Biscuit watched a cup remain stubbornly on a table for forty minutes. She scored a three. When the cup fell, she scored a minus one, which we had to invent on the spot and which now sits in an annex.

    The appendix is available in print on request, in a font large enough for a cat to read from a distance.

  • A Study Of Why Pens Roll Away From You

    A Study Of Why Pens Roll Away From You

    Study 98 investigated a common complaint: that a pen, when dropped, rolls away from the person who dropped it. We assembled nine pens and a desk and set out to find out why.

    Findings

    All nine pens rolled away from their owner. Seven rolled beneath furniture. Two rolled onto the cat, who treated them as gifts. We conclude that a pen has a clear opinion of the person holding it, and we have not found a way to change that opinion.

    Theories Considered

    • The desk is tilted. It is not.
    • The pen is round. It is, and this was noted.
    • The pen dislikes you. This hypothesis remains open.

    Conclusion

    Method

    Pens were selected at random from the Laboratory stationery cupboard. Each was placed at the head of a wooden slope, released, and tracked by a camera and a very focused cat. The cat tracked the pens by following them. The camera tracked the cat.

    Data

    Rolling distance averaged 61 centimetres, with a standard deviation of 12. The outlier, a pen of unusual width, rolled for 3 metres and vanished beneath a filing cabinet. We recorded it as a successful escape.

    Practical Advice

    If you must keep a pen on a desk, place it in a cup. If you wish to keep it in a cup, tie the cup. If you wish to keep the cup, have a stern word with the cat.

    Further Study

    Study 99 will examine why a pencil, when dropped, rolls less but sounds smug. The Laboratory has already budgeted two biscuits for the result.

    Reviewer Comment

    A reviewer asked whether the pens might simply be shy. The Laboratory has added shyness to the list of variables, between humidity and mood.

    A pen, once dropped, becomes a small independent creature with its own travel plans. The Laboratory recommends tying it to the desk, or replacing it with a pencil, which is flatter and less proud.

  • Laboratory Safety Notice: The Floor Is Not Level

    Laboratory Safety Notice: The Floor Is Not Level

    All staff are reminded that the floor of the Laboratory is not perfectly level. It slopes gently towards the radiator at an angle of roughly one degree.

    This is the reason that every dropped item, whether pen, marble or piece of kibble, eventually ends up beneath the radiator. We previously suspected a conspiracy. We now suspect a floor.

    Staff Instructions

    • Do not place a marble on the floor and walk away.
    • Do not chase a marble that has rolled away.
    • If you must chase a marble, do so with dignity.

    Recovery Fees

    Items recovered from beneath the radiator are returned to their owners at a small fee, payable in treats. Items not claimed in thirty days become property of the Laboratory and are used in Study 120.

    Incident Log

    Last month a marble rolled the full length of the Laboratory without stopping and came to rest against the Professor’s paw. She has described this as the finest moment of her career. We have since measured the slope using a spirit level, which promptly rolled away.

    Frequently Reported Items Beneath The Radiator

    • Eleven pens, nine of which are green
    • A single sock of unknown origin
    • A small gold ring, believed to be a prize
    • Three bottle tops, one of which is a very good bottle top
    • A mouse, now retired

    Plans For Repair

    The Laboratory has requested a repair from the Facilities Office, which is also a cat. We expect a response within the year, if the cat wakes up.

    Additional Notice

    Anyone found sliding along the floor on purpose will be recorded as a research subject. Anyone found enjoying it will be recorded twice.

    Thank you for your care. The Laboratory will repaint the floor in due course, but the tilt will remain, as it is now part of our heritage.

  • Funding Application: A Request For One Tin Of Tuna

    Funding Application: A Request For One Tin Of Tuna

    Dear Funding Committee, which is you, the Laboratory humbly requests a grant of one tin of tuna for the coming year. We detail our needs below.

    Aims

    We aim to understand falling. We aim to understand why things fall. We aim to understand why they fall when we are in the room, and why they fall when we are not. We also aim to understand why you are looking at us like that.

    Budget

    • One tin of tuna: the grant itself
    • Two tins of tuna: for contingencies
    • A small bowl: to hold the tuna in a scientific manner
    • A second small bowl: in case the first has been sat in

    Expected Outcomes

    We expect to publish at least three papers, of which one will be read. We expect to produce one conference poster, which will be sat on. We expect to discover something new about gravity, and then to forget what it was.

    Risks

    The main risk to the project is that a researcher may eat the tuna. We have mitigated this by assigning two researchers to watch each other. The second risk is that the funder may take back the tin. We have mitigated this with a persuasive purr.

    Conclusion

    Previous Funders

    The Laboratory has previously received support from the Tin Fund, the Biscuit Trust and an anonymous benefactor who left a mouse on the doorstep. We acknowledge these gifts with gratitude and a certain wariness.

    Reporting

    If funded, the Laboratory will submit quarterly reports in the form of a purr and an annual report in the form of a nap. We understand that this does not meet the usual standards of accountability, but we believe it meets ours.

    Appendix

    Should the committee wish for a site visit, we will be pleased to host. Please bring a bowl, a small fish and a sense of occasion. The Professor will greet you at the door, then immediately depart.

    We thank the committee for its time and its bowl. We look forward to your decision, preferably before supper.

  • Peer Review Report: ‘On the Sound Of A Fallen Fork’

    Peer Review Report: ‘On the Sound Of A Fallen Fork’

    The Laboratory was recently asked to review a paper titled “On the Sound of a Fallen Fork” from the Department of Crashes at a neighbouring institute. We reproduce our report below, with their names removed and our feelings preserved.

    Summary Of The Submission

    The authors claim that a fork, dropped onto a tile floor, produces a sound that varies according to the mood of the person who dropped it. The authors present four graphs, two photographs and a sentence that appears twice.

    General Comments

    The topic is of interest. The execution is not. The paper confuses a fork with a spoon on page three, then corrects itself on page five, then confuses them again on page six. A reader may begin to suspect that the authors have only seen cutlery on television.

    Specific Concerns

    • The sample size is one fork. We recommend at least two, and ideally a whole drawer.
    • No cat was present at any of the trials. The authors do not explain how the fork fell without help.
    • The word “clang” is used 31 times. The word “clink” is used 4 times. Neither is defined.
    • Figure 2 is a drawing of a fork, and appears to have been done by a child. We hope it was a talented one.

    Statistical Analysis

    The authors state that their results are significant at the 5 percent level. Our statistician, a cat who prefers not to be named, looked at the figures for several minutes and then yawned. The Laboratory interprets this as a rejection.

    Recommendation

    We recommend that the paper be rejected, then accepted, then rejected again, in order to give the authors a sense of the full experience. We also recommend that they add a cat.

    Detailed Remarks On Methodology

    The authors describe their method as rigorous, which is generous. A fork was dropped from the height of a human elbow onto a surface described only as hard. There is no record of the temperature of the room, the age of the fork, or whether it was in a good mood. In our experience a fork in a bad mood sounds noticeably sharper.

    The authors also appear to have used the same fork for all trials. A fork subjected to repeated falls will develop a certain world weariness, and this will bias the results. We recommend a fresh fork for each trial, and a moment of silence for the retired ones.

    Remarks On The Literature

    The reference list contains 14 items, of which three are the authors’ own previous papers and two are recipes. We checked the citations. Reference 9 does not exist. Reference 11 exists but argues the opposite. Reference 12 is a photograph of a cat, and we are happy to say it is the strongest source in the paper.

    Remarks On Ethics

    The authors do not state whether the fork consented. We would like to see an ethics statement, a risk assessment and a small cushion.

    Questions For The Authors

    • What was the fork thinking?
    • Why was the floor tile and not wood?
    • Why does the second graph show the sound getting quieter with time, when the sound clearly continues in the reader’s head?
    • Is the fork a member of the authors’ family?

    Confidential Comments To The Editor

    This is the best paper we have read this week. We recommend rejecting it solely so that we may submit something similar next month.

    Reviewer Conduct

    This review was prepared by three cats, one of whom did the reading, one of whom did the writing and one of whom lay across the printout throughout. We believe that is a standard division of labour.

    We offer these comments in the spirit of collegiality. We will be at the conference, near the buffet, standing very still, and watching.

  • Frequently Asked Questions About Our Height Standard

    Frequently Asked Questions About Our Height Standard

    We receive many questions about the Laboratory’s official drop height. Here are the ones we find we can answer.

    Why 72 centimetres?

    The standard height was set in the Laboratory’s founding year by Professor Quill, who sat on a stool, extended one paw, and said “about there”. Gravel then measured the distance with a ruler and found it to be 72. Nothing about the figure is scientific. It is, however, consistent, which is more than we can say for the stool.

    What happens at 73?

    Nothing, according to the data. At 73 centimetres the object falls in exactly the same way, with the same sound. We maintain the standard because a standard is a thing that cannot be argued with, and arguing is the Laboratory’s second favourite activity.

    Can we test other heights?

    Yes, on request. Our Variable Height Programme offers heights from a low 20 centimetres up to a dizzying 140, which requires a ladder and a lot of paperwork. Please note that above 100 centimetres the cat must sign a waiver, which is a paw print on a napkin.

    Does the object matter?

    The object matters greatly. A pen falls with a clean little tick. A glass falls with a bright splash. A cushion falls with a sigh and is not covered by our standard. We therefore classify objects by mood.

    Is it cruel to the objects?

    The Laboratory takes the welfare of every object seriously. Objects are provided with a soft landing mat when requested, and are never subjected to more than three drops in a day. Objects who wish to lodge a complaint may do so by remaining on the floor.

    Can I visit?

    Public tours run on Wednesday mornings. Please do not bring unlabelled glassware. It will be tested.

    Do you accept donations?

    Why Not 70 Or 75?

    Several colleagues have suggested rounder numbers. The Professor replied that a round number is the work of a lazy mind, and that 72 is a number with character. It is a dozen, times six. It is also, as Gravel points out, the exact height of the lab kettle, which makes it easy to remember and quick to boil.

    How We Verify The Height

    Each morning a technician lies on the bench and holds a ruler against the floor. A second technician lies on the floor and holds a ruler against the bench. The two rulers are compared and disagree by about four millimetres. This is recorded as measurement error and then, quietly, as a character flaw.

    Does Height Affect The Cat?

    A small number of cats become more serious at greater heights. At 72 centimetres a cat is relaxed. At 100 she becomes thoughtful. At 140 she goes very still and says nothing, which our team interprets as respect or as a plan.

    Can I Choose My Own Height?

    You may. The Laboratory will happily test your preferred height, though we charge a modest fee for the privilege and an additional fee for the ladder. We will not test heights measured in cats, since the cats object.

    Where Can I Read More?

    Our height standard is documented in the Laboratory Handbook, a leaflet of two pages, one of which is a drawing of a stool. A copy is available at reception, if the receptionist has not sat on it.

    A Final Word

    Please do not send us questions about height in imperial units. The Laboratory does not recognise inches, as no cat has ever been able to find one. Our measuring staff also object to the word foot, on the grounds that it is rude.

    We do. Our most useful gifts are small ceramic items, cheap mugs, and any pen that has not been missed. Please wrap them carefully. Then please tell no one.