Dear Funding Committee, which is you, the Laboratory humbly requests a grant of one tin of tuna for the coming year. We detail our needs below.
Aims
We aim to understand falling. We aim to understand why things fall. We aim to understand why they fall when we are in the room, and why they fall when we are not. We also aim to understand why you are looking at us like that.
Budget
- One tin of tuna: the grant itself
- Two tins of tuna: for contingencies
- A small bowl: to hold the tuna in a scientific manner
- A second small bowl: in case the first has been sat in
Expected Outcomes
We expect to publish at least three papers, of which one will be read. We expect to produce one conference poster, which will be sat on. We expect to discover something new about gravity, and then to forget what it was.
Risks
The main risk to the project is that a researcher may eat the tuna. We have mitigated this by assigning two researchers to watch each other. The second risk is that the funder may take back the tin. We have mitigated this with a persuasive purr.
Conclusion
Previous Funders
The Laboratory has previously received support from the Tin Fund, the Biscuit Trust and an anonymous benefactor who left a mouse on the doorstep. We acknowledge these gifts with gratitude and a certain wariness.
Reporting
If funded, the Laboratory will submit quarterly reports in the form of a purr and an annual report in the form of a nap. We understand that this does not meet the usual standards of accountability, but we believe it meets ours.
Appendix
Should the committee wish for a site visit, we will be pleased to host. Please bring a bowl, a small fish and a sense of occasion. The Professor will greet you at the door, then immediately depart.
We thank the committee for its time and its bowl. We look forward to your decision, preferably before supper.
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